Surfing with Dana
By The D-u-u-u-u-d-e!
Surf City Voice Columnist
Howzit, brahs and sistahs?
Dudes and dudettes, take note.
Surf City’s way cool and fully-macked dude of dudes, our surforexic congressman and former Mujahedin (Taliban) warrior, I mean Dana Rohrabacher, recently explained to his disappointed fans why he had to hold back his long awaited St. Patrick’s Day campaign fundrager at the Balboa Bay Club in Newport Beach.
Jon Voight, the acclaimed actor of Midnight Cowboy, Deliverance, Ali, and other way cool movies fame was to be the main act at the fundrager, besides Dana, and I was looking forward to getting his autograph on my sponge.
Voight is a former anti-war protester and McGovernite, a genuine rattly who, an unconfirmed but totally believable rumor has it, suddenly fell in love (rightly so) with Sara Palin after wiggin’ out on a slab of raw moose meat—and something else happened that he won’t talk about—on a Santa Ana River canoe trip with a bunch of Orange County neocons.
Dude, Dana bud was fetched to Washington D.C. by sistah Nancy Pelosi, the speaker of the house of representatives, for the epic showdown vote on “Obamacare,” that “government run” health care plan you probably heard all you need to know about from bodacious Glenn Beck.
Well, as any surfmastering Foxophile knows, Pelosi is one gnarly dudette to hang with.
Shyau!!! We got snaked over the rails and it was pure buggery.
We sympathize with you Dana bud, but no apology needed.
But not to worry, Danaphiles! Voight has agreed to come to a rescheduled fundrager at a date to be announced, soon we hope.
But d-u-u-u-u-d-e-s, hang on to your baggies, cawz I’ve got even better news.
Have you ever heard of Erik Prince?
No, I’m not talking about the singer who sprays a night club audience with water from a hose extending out of his crotch in that rad MTV movie in the 1980s.
Dudes, I am talking about Dana bud’s former intern who is now the founder, owner and commander in chief of Blackwater, the Christian-supremacist mercenary army that killed lots of innocent citizens of Iraq with impunity during the Bush’s epic invasion of that country.
Prince will hold a special fundrager for Dana, and if that doesn’t make your radalescent surfboner hard enough, Robert Duvall, another great actor and mack Republican dude, will also be there in all his manly splendor.
In Dana dude’s own e-mail words: “We are in the process of organizing a wonderful weekend for people from California who may want to have a memorable weekend in the nation’s Capitol as well as the historic Virginia countryside.”
That weapons-grade (wink wink) event will take place on Sunday, April 18 at Prince’s Virginia estate, located close to THE capital so that his holy A-Team can turn and burn on over to the White House and blow away those tea party crazies if they get too gnarly again.
Mr. Prince, no doubt, has a princely humongous fortune of dead presidents to give away to Danatypes from the $1 billion in no bid government contracts awarded to his private army (cowabunga, I bet he was stockaboka about that) to protect American officials from the evil doers on the ground in Iraq.
Note for ambitious dudettes: the dude factor that night promises to be pretty high, enhanced by a surge of testosterone oozing from the pores of a lot of rich poser freedom-fighters scoping for sweet nectar.
Word of caution to poser dudes looking for sweet nectar: make sure to bring your dude packs to prevent any accidents from friendly fire.
Maybe you forgot, but the Blackwater freedom fighters became famous after they terminated seventeen unarmed Iraqi dudes, dudettes and gromets and wounded at least 18 others at Nisour Square in Baghdad in Sept. 2007.
Blackwater said its men were under attack; and who would doubt it, right?
But just in case those hodaddy journos and outside investigators forgot what side they are on in the War on Terror, the potentially incriminating evidence was scrupulously washed away by an administrative tsunami, i.e. a Bush administration decree that still protects mercenaries hired by the State Department from prosecution in Iraqi courts—mondo!
It’s buggery, but even that didn’t stop separate investigations by the Iraqi government, U.S. Military, and F.B.I. , which each determined that most or all of the Blackwater killings were unprovoked and unjustified.
But standing by their buds, the Bush administration was in no hurry to prosecute Blackwater in courts of U.S. jurisdiction either. So, none of Blackwater’s soldiers of fortune have been fully tried in criminal or civil court so far in the Nisour incident or 128 other cases where Blackwater fired first, although some of them were fired from their $600 per day jobs and given free plane tickets home—ouch!
A U.S.federal court judge dismissed charges against five Blackwater defendants in the Nisour killings in December on technical and constitutional grounds—they were promised immunity from prosecution by State Department officials who were not authorized to do so.
A sixth operative already pleaded guilty to one killing, but his case remains in limbo after the dismissal of the charges against his colleagues.
For a lot more details about Blackwater, check out Jeremy Scahill’s book, Blackwater: The rise of the world’s most powerful mercenary army. Scahill is an investigative reporter for the Nation magazine and Democracy Now (www.democracynow.org). The book won the George Polk Book Award, which is given to writers who expose government or corporate malfeasance.
Alright, dudes, I know what you’re thinking: “Why should I read the book when I can watch the paintball tournament at the pier?”
Hmmm…Let me think….
Dude, the answer is that Scahill’s book really peels and will whack you like the gnarliest wave. That’s because Scahill explains everything about Blackwater, how it went from a tiny and unheard of security firm before the war to become the strongest mercenary army in the world a few years later, thanks to neocons George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and friends, who wanted to privatize the U.S. military, and to the coalition of the willing—meaning the Republicans and Democrats in congress who allowed it.
Scahill explains the righteous and Christian supremacist spirit that drives Erik Prince and his soldiers to fight for top dollars. Maybe it will inspire you too.
Here’s a sample of Prince’s philosophy in his own words: “Everybody carries guns, just like Jeremiah rebuilding the temple in Israel—a sword in one hand and a trowel in the other.”
If that’s not the way to give Osama a wabblybutthole, dudes, then what is?
Gale warning! This book does have its share of acid drops, dudes.
The book’s most obvious bummer is that killing innocent people seems pretty bogus.
And Scahill also explains how our top military leaders complained that the blowback from Blackwater’s indiscriminate killings of Iraqis worked against their efforts to win the respect and cooperation of the Iraqi people and endangered the lives of our regular troops.
Not only that, but a mercenary army violates the concept of sovereignty in other countries, thus increasing the chances of wars breaking out.
It also threatens American democracy. HELLO—have you ever heard of the Roman Praetorian Guard or a right-wing coup d’état?
But d-u-u-u-u-u-d-e-s, Dana and Erik are way cool, so who cares?
Time to get rubberized and hit the beach for some Dana spotting.
The D-u-u-u-u-d-e is a Surf City (that’s Huntington Beach, dudes)hodaddy who parties all night and stands on the beach all day watching the waves and hoping to catch a glance of Dana Rohrabacher, the man who invented surfing.